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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2008|07:16 pm]
 “ Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. neil gaiman
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2008|10:13 pm]

(ok so i wrote this piece of prose a while ago. I don't really like it but i thought i would post it. I don't think its finished but I don't know hwo to finish it. any advice is always welcomed)











I roll over for what feels like the 673th time and sit up. I give in to insomnia and realize I will not be floating through a nice session of REM sleep tonight. I look over at him. The him who presently takes up the left side of my bed. The him who passed out since his dirty mopped headed hair hit the pillow. The him who has yet to realize that I been tossing and turning and not sleeping for the past three weeks now. And the fact that I have not been on the right side of him when he wakes up in the morning. I look over at him. And sigh. What I am doing to him is not fair. What I am doing to myself isn’t very fair either.

 We have been dating for the past 6 months. You have been my best friend for the past 6 years. I have known since the first week of us dating that I could never love you. Not like that. Not like the way you deserve. I could never return that look that says I love you and want to be with you. Like the way you give me that look when I make that high pitch squeal when I run across our busy city streets or when I walk on my tip toes on the dusty hard wood floors. I thought I could learn to love you. That eventually I would be able to return that look with genuineness but I have failed. I thought that maybe I would catch love for you. Like when I caught the flu from you in January. That one day you would sneeze near me and I would catch it, I would catch love for you. But no matter how many times I drink from your glass when you’re sick, I still see the same sweet boy I am misleading.
 
I want to be honest with you. I should be honest with you. At least you deserve a little bit of honesty after dealing with a pretentious head case like myself. But when I try to muster enough courage to tell you, there is none. I am a coward. I fully admit it. I run from all my problems. As soon as something gets scary I bolt through the door. I have never stuck through anything in my life. I am the least respectable person out there. I am doing the same thing to you that I have done the past 20 years of my existence. Instead of running from you though I choose to stick around like the scar above your knee. Its a lot easier to stick around and be content with my discontent. But lets be honest, emotionally I have been out the door and speeding down 95 for months.
 
I have tried tirelessly to get you to be feed up with me. That you would grow to see what a selfish impatient little girl that I am and walk out that door and save both of us from our mutual misery. I have left countless coke bottles scattered along our apartment the way I always do like the way you always hate. I leave all the lights on in the house to run up the electricity bill that you have to pay. I am no where near close on being echo friendly or “green” as you and your conceited friends that I hate call it. And I have no intention of ever being green. I flirted relentlessly with that waiter Wednesday night when you took me out to dinner who was no where near as handsome as you are but in hopes that I would get your masculine jealously in motion. I also wrote down my number, our apartment number in fact, on a napkin for him when we left and I know you saw that. I could feel you eyes on me while I was writing it. Your eyes spoke how hurt and ashamed you were of me. But your lips said nothing. No words ever come out when I do something you disapprove of. All I get is looks. And looks don’t break up relationships, words do.
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a quote i stole from someone else's lj [Mar. 29th, 2008|08:42 pm]
"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2007|12:53 am]

 you and me and all the people, and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you.

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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2007|10:43 pm]

Ugh
I just don't know anymore
This is all begining to get to much
My moods are all over the place
one day i am happy
then next day I don't even want to get out of bed
I started seeing someone to talk about it
hopefully that will help
I am just screwing eveything up



I just want to go back home
hang with Kat, Amanda and Tommy
and forget about life for awhile

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... [Sep. 28th, 2007|11:28 am]
 so alots going in my life
thought I would share

I quit my job at the cafe
it was just too much
they wanted me to work everyday
I got a new job at the phonethon
2 days a week, only 6 hours a week so its not bad at all

i forgot how great it felt to have crushes
to kiss different boys
i feel like i am just begining to enjoy my 20's
the way i should

classes have been alright
i need to get motivation for them
i need to get my shit together when it comes to that

I can't wait for winter break already
so i can see my atown lovers for a month
but i got a really good group of ppl here
i'm lucky

life is pretty fantastic right now
i am happy<3
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(no subject) [Sep. 26th, 2007|08:31 pm]
I want someone.
I want someone who listens to me.
who really listens to me.
who listens to me even when i say nothing at all
becuase thats when i usually say the most.
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(no subject) [Sep. 17th, 2007|10:04 pm]
She is guarded.
And afraid to open up.
Thus missing every chance at happiness.
I see pieces of me in her.
And it terrifies me.
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stress [Sep. 13th, 2007|09:23 pm]
 I am stressed out!
Theres so much on my plate right now
I am RA
I am the news director of the radio station
Along with having my own show
I work at the cafe
I write for the newspaper
And I have 5 classes!!!!!

Maybe to some people this is nothing
But its to much for me
I barely have time to do my own hw
and have no time to myself.
And I am the type of person who
needs time to herself.

Then theres him
I like him he likes me
but I don't even know If I have time for him

I don't even know why I am doing this
This isn't even what I want to do
I know what my passion is
I just have no idea how to do it

ahhhh
i am going to breakdown
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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2007|08:00 pm]
 

Can someone please buy me this shirt
then mail it to me!!!
I promise to pay you back!!!
its on wwe.com 
PLEASE!!!!
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2007|05:42 pm]

I know you've made some new friends
and i have made some new friends
but we've still got the old friends
we've still got eachother

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life [Aug. 5th, 2007|03:08 pm]

I put myself in the stupidest situations sometimes
I flirt and flirt and maybe flirt some more
Mostly b/c I am bored and like the attention
Then when they want to take things to the next level
I get flustered and confused
seeing him should be interesting

Alot of things are changing
I been noticing it alot over the summer
just haven't talked about
I read Kat's entry and feel the same way sorta
My life in Andover is coming to an end
And my new life, where ever, is begining

And I truely believe I have friends in Andover
That I will have forever
and some that will slowly fade
Its just even the friends that will last forever, i won't see as much
This is been an amazing summer
And I don't want it to end

this whole "growing up" thing
as cliche as it sounds
is scary
but thats what also makes it exciting

I made a vow to myself this summer
that where ever life takes
its going to be exciting and fun
I don't care if I don't end up with alot of money
I don't care if I end up in a shit house apartment
b/c as long as I am happy thats all that matters

I tried of hearing ppl majoring in areas that they don't even care about
there just doing it b/c it will make them alot of cash
So you want to major in art history or photography
do it. who gives a crap what ppl think.
I may just believe this b/c I am young and stupid
But I don't care
I rather be young and stupid and have a optimistic outlook on life
then be rational and jaded and unhappy

Next summer I won't be back in Andover
I kinda want to go to Louisiana and stay with Kat for awhile
that is, if she wants me too
Just seems like another fun adventure

 

 

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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2007|07:05 pm]
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
---Garden State
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2007|05:40 pm]
Mixtape of july 2007

The wreckers “stand still look pretty”
Gwen Stefani “4 in the morning”
Mary Chapin Carpenter “10,000 Miles”
Eisley “Invasion”
Lilly Allen “littlest things”
Motion City Soundtrack “Broken Heart”
Boys Like Girls “The great escape”
The Supremes “baby love”
The Cold War Kids “red wine. Success!”
Gary Puckett “Young Girl”
Rob Zombie “Dracula”
One for the team “I promise I grow up”
Gladys Night And the Pips “Midnight Train to Georgia”
Ben kweller “sundress”
Avril Lavinge “Fall to pieces”
Motorhead “King of kings”
ParaMore “misery business”
Amy Winehouse “I’m no good”
Pink “long way to happy”
Feist “1234”
Hot Hot Heat “Middle of Nowhere”
Brand new “Jesus Christ”


all great songs
look them up
  
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2007|08:41 pm]
i want to paint my face
and pretend that i am someone else
sometimes i get so fed up
i don't even want to look at myself

but people have problems that are worse than mine
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time
and i hate the way you look at me i have to say
i wish i could start over

i am slowly falling apart
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
you might think it's easy being me
you just stand still, look pretty
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2007|12:17 pm]
There's a bluebird in my heart, that wants to get out but I am too tough for him. I say stay in there, I am not going to let anyone see you. 
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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2007|02:13 pm]
I am happy
I am
But I keep waiting for something
I don't know what
Something better
I wonder if i will ever be fully satisfied
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2007|07:55 pm]

I’m usually hard to hold on to

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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2007|06:42 pm]
I miss Boston
I miss Home
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2007|01:57 pm]
I never thought much of the courage of a lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
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